school and studied with jo
more like i slept she studied
i had the time and freedom
but no companion today

went to swing again
got myself a vanilla cone
came home
stone all the way till now

rini asked me to guess
and yeah erm talked alil

someone stole my phrase
but yeah nvm anw

peiling's consistent sayings
dont believe guy's words
full of excuses and lies
depends i feel

study skate swing drink

dont let me find out you lied

lex says he aint coming back
lex, not cuz im not smiling
i wanna smile naturally not forcefully
my dear friend, the clique misses you

marsions: today im feeling very hollow
but im climbing up, i'll show you really

i wished nothing started

11:16 PM

school's a bore as usual
went to skate alone
went to swing in the rain
drank coke on the aisle

someone left me today
a friend/bestfr/girlfr/sister/
a friendship treasured so much
we went through so much
but she's gone now
like the colours of the wind
i know she'll continue to shine in a new world

i feel hollow
today's heartache's for no one
but myself

im climbing up
but i kept getting pulled down

i realised whose real and fake
i know i cant pause in my tracks anymore
i restarted it and i cant stop now
but its tough
impact after another
attacks me


god, catch me when i jump

11:09 PM

went greatworld
ha da ge gave me an elmo balloon
Mathew got me ben and jerries
thanks big brudders that i wanted but nvr got ^^V
thanks im seriously alright alr
dont worry anymore okay

go eat krab
i see them eat instead

and i got smacked at tiong
mathew's question so sudden and random
"you miss him?"
and i answered yeah abit
then out came da ge's palm on my cheek
luzzar thought its not pain, it is larh you idiot :(

at least i nvr cry away my life forever
i still picked myself up isnt it

there's sch tmr :(

the whole clique
i realised
all plunge in love alr
its their turn to feel love
:)
happy for them

:/ off to bed soon:/



Lenka, the show

11:06 PM

last night was just k.r.a.z.y.
finally drank once in a positive atmosphere/mood
with cousies all and his friends
cousie asked an ironic question
i myself could answer alr but well
in the end the answer was the same as mine!
haha luzzar

came home roy and rest went cyrus
i did some work
then had my turn to slp till 5
woke up raining
the rest still havent go home
idiots take my hse like chalet

going greatworld take specs
meeting mathew and domic
go tiong get comic

wl rini got the deck i want :(
nvm i think i shld rebuilt the current one
or get myself a new one

i have a secret mission

5:24 PM

i stayed home

silent fuming in my room
while roy had a mini parteh in his room
tried to study and everything
then ppl keep calling to go out play
when i bloody hiao cannot
urghhh

earth hour
off all lights stone in bed
stare outside the window
till papa came to coax me go greatworld
horrified at the thought but i went
oh well i cant escape that place forever

mummy gave in, in the end
i finally spoke ^^V
i told her got party coming up
and today is enough for being grounded alr
she keep quiet
silence means consent! yay

hmm just gotta pull through awhile more
i know i can do it

wl rini got new deck
and i havent fix the deck wheels
urghhhhhhh
and the tricks i learn i nvr practice
see larh michie love stops your track
now that you'r back you suck at it alr

didnt effing study
laughed tgt with nad at luzzars
how come ppl try so hard but nvr falls
nad say they will one day

i have every single effing reason
to shoot you down
shoot others involved down
while the rest watch

you'r just like the rest
when i thought you were different

well i guess
i need spectacles already

P.S lex get your ass back in singapore please

seriously
everytime you appear in my head
i feel like throwing you out
just like how you threw me away

should had said No

peiling dont turn crooke
rmb you got boyfwen alr

12:35 AM

i almost lost it again this morning
but sch's a saviour now
went jo hse after sch
TRANSFORMation
^^V
cant wait seriously

went bugis
i knew i could do it
so what if everything started there
i told myself its a must to get over

grounded and home alone this weekend
everyone be out playing
i'll just date my books again
haiz

i didnt cry ystd
not even now
shouldnt be later on either

i healed myself

its always a disappointment
seeing ppl not staying true to their words

oh well
i fell and picked myself up again

last party before exams
MEGA 11 april :)

1:03 AM

i went sch
it was like back to normal
i didnt think bout jon
went macs to hang out for awhile
yes im still afraid to be alone

went tuition
LC transformed to a princess
she gonna get eddie soon, surprise
Tescelyn gonna get darren, sudden
hmm all the best my dearests

came home stoned
i just feel hollow
like suddenly no one's there now
everyone will be away during the weekend
how am i gonna pull through
i dont want to be by myself :(
sch was my pillar of support
yet im grounded
how great can my life get

haiz its just plain stupid
yes i'm much better now
but i still look at the ticking clock
to tire myself out
so i can go to slp without thinking


im trying so hard to stand up here
im being tough
but i suppose you got over it in a while's time
how unfair

Starts With Goodbye

i was sitting on my doorstep
i hung up the phone and it fell out of my hand
but i knew i had to do it
and he wouldnt understand
so hard to see myself without him
i felt a piece of my heart break
but when you'r standing at a cross road
there's a choice you gotta make

i guess its gonna have to hurt
i guess im gonna have to cry
and let go of things i've loved
to get to the other side
i guess its gonna break me down
like falling when you'r trying to fly
its sad
but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life
starts with goodbye

i know there's a blue horizon
somewhere up ahead
just waiting for me
getting there means leaving things behind
sometime life's so bitter sweet



im half healed

11:12 PM

the day started off alright
I didnt cry though
I thought about you
I moaned to the clique
bout today's supposingly one month
they all went through it so they understood
thanks really for being there my friends

i still can remember
every detail and happening
exactly one month before today
of course after today
i should not think bout it anymore
at least i'll try my best not to

after school i called up people
I was desperate for companion
the phobia of being alone attacked me again
I went plaza sing with jo
she met up with luke
Monsie was with Naz
i felt extra
thanks jo for the ice cream

went to see the drums
played the pop-up-hit game
was hitting on the mouse and duck
with all my might
stupid stupid stupid me

i was dying not to go home
food just looks dizgusting to me now
i feel like throwing up
and stupid me i cried in the showers
so mummy wouldnt know

but today was really better
i didnt think that much
only until i was alone
then i had to fight war with my thoughts again

im in the process of healing

i hope to hear from you
show me you'll be there
wouldnt you

this sucks

i wish i stop being like this
i dont want to be like this
i hate to see myself like this

im being a luzzar now

11:01 PM

there are countless stuff to say


yes its over

of course i couldnt get over it
i was still crying 2 hours ago
and jon healed me
yes the one who made me this way
is eventually the only one
that can help pick myself up again

it doesnt matter
if you'r here for me
as a friend or not
i'll pull myself up
as long as you'll be there for me

im sorry to everyone i've made them worried for
im kinda unstable now
just let me rot for awhile more kay
its alil mentally unstable now
cuz i can cry any min
and be strong after i think positive

and im having a phobia
phobia of being alone
becuz when im alone i think
thinking=crying now
so im forcing myself to not think
i asked myself how did i slp ystd
and i actually dont know how i fell aslp

when i sleep i escape from reality for awhile
when i wake up tears flow
i've been crying since last week
my eyes are like goldfish eyes
but now im controlling
stupid brain, stop controlling my emotions over actions

last but not least
its a relieve to know
you didnt just break up and go off

yes we'll be great friends
and stay true to your words potato boy

i'll learn to stop loving you
but of course i can love you as a friend
though my heart yearns to live in you presence once more
i have to learn to let go
thanks for letting me grow up
i wouldnt hate you like what you said
i cant bear to and its a tiring thing to do
so i have to say goodbye as a girlfr to you now
and happy one month to the month we could had
i'll smile to say goodbye:)
and dont blame yourself
cuz it hurts me just like how
you dont wish to see me hurt

kay its a end and a start to us

i shld stop telling myself
"tonight cry last time"
then tmr cry again
i need to get a firm grip

and i need and want you
to be there
when im picking myself up now

give me support

as a friend

11:33 PM

i'm holding on.

10:41 PM

12:22 PM

i thought i could do it
but
i only went through a day
and im back to the same state again


i had the whole day to myself
and i just roam about town
with nowhere to go
becuz i was scared to be alone
i needed to be out


so what isit now
tell me
so i wouldnt think this much

useless

10:37 PM

krazy night
INC clique, my best medicine

1:37 AM

went to eugene's hse ystd
had first round of drinks there
they thought i was drunk
i wanted to be but i wasnt
its so much better with ppl's presence around

went to find LC's dad
wanted second round
but felt its enough for a day alr
the moment i went back alone

i start to think again

and i still cry
when i wake up
when im alone
im still carrying one hope

they say
sometime the person who made me this way
is the only person that can help me again

1:24 PM

11:53 AM

went for tuition
LC comforted me
i cried everything out a double time
cuz i couldnt really cry at home
and i felt better
like better than before

i'll just take things now
like how
before we got together

should i take down
everything on the net related abt you
i dont know

LC said her dad opened a club
and im invited to go club
dance and drink the night away
somehow im not ready still LC

i really really am not ready
to let everything i believed in fade away
but i dont wanna tie you down

my eyes hurt

i promised to stay strong
i gotta stay true to it

11:05 PM

i feel lighter
something pressing me was lifted away
my phone was badly tear stained
my heart taped back
and a promise made

its like a time out for us now
i dont know what things will be like in time to come
for a second i thought we aint gonna make it through
but never say never
i'll just have faith in you and myself

i didnt know you actually read my blog
i didnt know you actually care
i thought you werent bothered anymore
if only you said all these earlier
maybe we could had solved it by now


i believe in you doing your best

And im sorry i doubted you

i'll be strong

i wouldnt let my emotions control me anymore

thanks for everyone thats there all this time

4:57 PM

i stayed awake through the night
i was waiting for your call
im supposed to wait for it
you didnt call
i doubt you read these post either

im desperate for your assurance this time
im giving you chances when im not supposed to
my heart hurts

why did things end up this way
isit my fault
am i not good enough
i dont know



WHY

Why, do you always do this to me?
Why, couldnt you just see through me?
How come, you act like this
Like you dont care at all

Do you expect me to believe i was the only one to fall?
I can feel, i can feel you near, even though you'r far away
I can feel, i can feel you baby, why

its not supposed to feel this way
i need you, i need you
More and more each day
Its not supposed to hurt this way
i need you, i need you, i need you
Tell me, are you and me still together?
Tell me, do you think we could last forever
Tell me, why

Hey, listen to what we'r not saying
Let's play a different game than what we'r playing
Try, to look at me and really see my heart

Do you expect me to believe i'm gonna let us fall apart?
I can feel, i can feel you near me, even when you'r far away
I can feel, i can feel you baby, why

its not supposed to feel this way
I need you, i need you
more and more each day
Its not supposed to hurt this way
I need you, i need you, i need you
Tell me, are you and me still together?
Tell me, you think could last forever
Tell me, why

So go and think about whatever you need to think about
Go on and dream about whatever you need to dream about
And come back to me when you know just how you feel
I can feel, i can feel you near me, even though you'r far away
I can feel, i can feel you baby why

12:50 PM

fuck it seriously
i got no work done
i got haunted by you in nightmares
i woke up crying over you
i put on a fake smile in town
i ask people to donate
i burnt myself at the skatepark
i went lan on my own
i emo on the swings
i fell aslp at my desk

i pretended nothing happened
i thought i'll be fine
i had a call with jo
i was preached about right and wrong
i already knew what to do in mind
but
my heart being weaker got attacked

i just got back from jared's parteh
i got asked to dance
i was in no fucking mood to dance
i drink drink drink and drink
vodka hooch e33 barcadi nitez
whatever that i found on the table
i just cant get myself drunk
i want to but i end up getting more sober
i feel so sad for myself

this is what i get when i let my heart win
somehow someway i regret

im told to stand up for myself
i myself knows it without ppl telling
but my emotions controlled my actions
so i end up in such a state now

for fuck im feeling miserable
each time when you'r having fun
i know its not worth
i know but i did nothing

what do you take me for
just look me in the eyes and answer me
instead of keeping quiet or looking away

i know its gonna be tough if this ends
tough for me to get over but not you
and i know very clearly
i cant cling on to something thats not meant to be
at the end of the day i have to let it go

im not a toy
like every other girl
i just wanted to know
whats love like

im waiting to see what you'r gonna do about it

im gonna stay firm
emotionally and physically now
hell with my pride
cuz tonight im gonna cry
cry over you and start being strong tmr

its gonna be tough
but i know i can do it

if you really think you love me
stop doing nothing

11:40 PM

went to tiong
sat with LC and IJ(michelle)
talked abit and LC come stir my mind
but i stayed determined
they left i stayed to wait alone

i sat really long with my headphones on
sat till the voice inside me screaming
telling me to just leave
cuz its been 2 hours of wait
but i stayed
this shows how stupidly in love i am with you
my tears were threatening to fall
i held them back with all my will
but i was crying for myself on the inside

at 5 i stood up and left my seat
i went to wash up
and told myself if i you dont come in the next 10 mins
im walking off
and so when i walked out you called

you asked me why
but i kept quiet

we walked and you brought me home
on the way home i used my courage
to tell you again but it didnt sound serious i suppose
i told you indirectly you dont seem bothered much nowadays
you kept silent
my insides were churning

behind my smile and understanding words
i need you to tell me
there's nothing wrong

you dont hold my hand anymore
im the one putting my hand in yours
im always the one hugging you before you go

they say if its painful i shld let you go
but no, im stupidly in love with you now
im staying for you

and stupid krab stop harassing me

11:11 PM

pulled myself outta bed
its was raining
i put on my snooze mode
with the companion of my soft toys

did some work
talked to samuel who died and came back alive
its been really long brudder
good to know you'r back on track
time flies

sometimes i wonder to myself
do you regret?
regret being tgt with me
me taking up your time
when you alr dont have enough time for yourself

somehow someway
i rather how things were
before we got together
you were attentive to every lil thing
but now
you dont seem as concerned

oh well i doubt you have the time to read

so what if i plaster a smile on my face
you know i might not be feeling what my emotions show

im holding on badly

1:37 PM

stayed up to talk to boy(:
he loves potatos ^^

woke up today by LC's call
geez she finally stop MIA-ing alr

meeting up tmr to study
imagine a candy beside an ant
it will be like this situation tmr
and we gonna have a tickling war

went peiling's hse for movie marathon
cried at koizora, passed out
woke up go kopitiam
harrassed by beng
what the hiao man, im not interested pleaze
peiling gave her number away
ahaha that guy sure kena played by her till damn bad
superbabe save the day
i overturned one of their drinks
luzzars with no life and ugly tattoos

studied and stuff

rmb rmb rmb
only 50% of boy belongs to meeee
must shareshare with his friendsssss

whatever you let me feel this second

crashes over my next minute
think before you act or say my dear
its either fairytale or nightmares
that you give

12:02 AM

was waiting for boy's call ystd
but fell aslp without knowing
sorry:(

i feel like crap
my grades suck even when i improved
so much bout wanting to be a nerd
now that i keep wanting to go out still

sometimes the day before today's feelings
wouldnt be felt again the next day
can't be described again today

its enough to feel your presence

why wouldnt the people around me understand
and stop creating more when there's alr alot
either help to take some away
if not just go away

4:01 PM

hmm went cine
saw da ge wendy and eugene
snapshot with da ge(:
got a puzzle necklace
met up with jo, she dressed me up
making me feel like a prettaye girl for once
thanks babe(:

then waited for boy outside
jo says he looks different
hmm brought him to subway to eat
slacked there for awhile
wanted to find krabby but not there
went to walk and stuff before going park

he skated with the rest
hmm girls talked and stuff
poor rini no chance talk to velcro
tagged along to see them skate
sabi dawn and her friends popped by
went citylink after that

saw them skate and everything
left to marina square
mummy screw things up
boy brought me to take cab
i really wanted to stay longer
how screwed
first valentine of my life
ended up in this pathetic way
haiz but better than not seeing him at all

couldnt go to the party
i had every reason to drink
stupid life

you'r the first
i spent valentines with
even though it was spend with a group
i dont mind as long as i get to see you

im sorry i had to go
someday, sometime, when you'r free
we'll be able to go on a date alone right
i'll wait for that day then

iloveyou idiot

11:11 PM

hmm Fearon won ystd, hooray....
met out with rini andri, mich shane shannon etc
hang around and stuff
before going off to tuition
LC never come anymore :(
zombie actions in tuition
pink cheeks in the dark

today was just terrible
sch was a bore
my eyes kept closing on its own
came home bathe and everything
got scolded etc, grounded
but im gonna find a way out idontcare

guess what its valentines again tmr
going out with sch clique
might be meeting boy for awhile
maybe not see, if he has the time first

i saw things i wasnt suppose to
they made me check it out
i thought it will be silly if im affected
okay so this suck
cuz now im here starting to think again

i just gotta prepare myself
and stay strong

there's a phrase that says
when you'r with someone you love, everyday's v day
nvm you promised you'll make it up for it
so i'll understand if we cant go out tmr


domic's drip drop party
drink till drop
peiling can be my lesbianic date
i'll be her supposedly jerk boyfwen
we will emo tgt
and pretend to cut outselves
with plastic knifes

10:57 PM

went out with boy ystd

he's an idiot
he made me cry
he didnt finish my cookies
he said mean things

but in the end we talked things out
yeah felt so retarded
got on the train
sat to the very end and back clementi again

carolyn's hse is urber huge
slept in the studio and stuff
going to the stadium soon

eh my dear boy,
i understand everything you said
dont worry that i'll overthink
girls being girls, we do think alot
but we shallnt keep anything from each other yeah
i'll talk to you the next time when im feeling down
i wouldnt keep it in me anymore
unless you really dont even have the time to hear

i know you put friends before me
i dont care what others say either
its me having you
so i just gotta understand
im not gonna be demanding cuz i dont see a point to
clinging on to you will only make you break away
so i guess i'll just hold on

its over two weeks
i broke the curse(:

i know that you know
i love you

enough of feeling guilty
unless you are mean to me again
and take care of yourself okay
you owl

4:59 AM

the day started out gloomy
i tried not to think
you wasnt suppose to distract me this way
no, you arent even suppose to distract me
went about and everything

annoyed with people in school
give me back the time and effort
when i made the cookies

poor jo, please think carefully
i'll be there always okay
stupid cheer, gonna stayover tmr
stupid jerri
stupid me
stupid everybody


it turned from agony to anger
then slowly frowns to tears
maybe you can't see or feel
becuz i never showed you or let you know
im hurting on the inside

im afraid, im scared
scared that if i tell you
i might lose you
i've fallen to the extent that im afraid to lose you
i never expected for this to happen
but its all too late
i've really fell for you, its real

the heart shaped cookie broke
my real heart cracked too
are you gonna mend it back
but i doubt you have the time

friends said i should talk to you abt it
but no i was afraid things got worse
i was always protecting you from them
maybe its time to talk things out
im tired mending the holes myself
im telling myself that everything's fine
when i know its not
telling everyone that asked that we'r fine
but actually i didnt know the right words to describe us
for me to actually answer them

its just the distance apart maybe
the silence kept between us
the empty conversations we have
that lead to how im feeling now

are you getting tired of me already
or is there something between everything else

i need to see you tmr
i have to tell you everything
becuz i doubt you have the time to read this

you know i love you
i dont say it for the sake of saying

11:07 PM

went school and stuff
cooked during FnN
went mich ng house after sch
baked cookies((:
first time ever im making for someone
someone special enough
not just any random dustbin

came home
had dinner with peiling
chester called her then i hang

"Michie i got tickets to rja concert, bestfwen outing"
rmb you screamed on the phone to me?
now its me screaming back to you
"FREAK YOU, for the stupid climax"
whatever larh kay go enjoy with your girlfwen instead
i'll just stay home and stone
cuz everyone seems to be going

you never seem to have the time
i dont know where you always go
im just pretending to be fine
its tiring, but im still holding on

imissyou

10:37 PM

com's back in action
went woodlands to slack
catch up with each other and stuff

itchy fingers trimmed uneven bangs
creamy pasta wanted me to throw up
camwhored with the mac like hiao
phoned with peiling and talked like never before

awww im melting now
due to the STARDUST movie

no star can shine with broken hearts

monday blues already

10:45 PM

hooray im using mac laptop now

haha cant believe couzzie lent it to me

camwhore mode back in action

kayxz last night was krazyy

cousins gathering and stuff

tsk i dont know how to use mac

rawr

and i bought prettaye stuff for my baking

gonna bake soon((: 

going out again later with couzzies

ahaha chester eyes went blind

cuz i opened the door for him

kayxz random, bestfwen you rock 

iie lurbxz eiiux and thanks fer yur candy worxz

and

i miss my boy alotalotalot

:(

11:04 AM

my computer broke down
again.
communication through phone

school was krazy
im outta cheer
me and nad gonna sit and do nothin
sch clique fought and recovered

im dissapointed in you, my friend
just. be. yourself.

and damn everyone that bitched about jon and me
idiotic fucktards, rawrrrr

and marsions, Inc clique
yes im fine, dont worry

thanks to the jokers and clowns
i really needed a smile
thanks for making me feel better really

hmm
maybe im being paranoid
but you know the past days
im feeling very uneasy
you seem so cold and distant at times
its like blowing hot and cold
maybe, maybe im really just being paranoid
i tell myself that so i wouldnt be sad when i think abt it

do you have any idea of how i feel
i dont know what you are feeling either
i dont know where you were, when i needed you
i wished you were there, but where'd you go

do i mean alot to you?
becuz i know that you mean alot to me
im missing you already
and the more distant i feel away from you
the more i want to see you
to assure myself, you'r still there

maybe im just being paranoid, but idontknow
there seems to be so little to say these days
the silence in the conversations
is deafening to my ears

they say it aint worth crying over you
or you being the reason why im sad
but i tell myself
i'v e already plunge into this whirlpool
iloveyou
and no matter what i'll stay strong

unless you choose to let me go

11:48 AM

im freed from cheer
no im not going back
it made me flunk 4 test alr
and im slowing down real bad
and the stress too

did 1/5 of FnN research
1 whole more of development
chinese hw not completed
chem test not revised
physics test revision in progress
maths confusion
AND
Attack of Flu Bug

i've been thinking alot these days
about you, everything and myself
im stressed and i need a time stopper
tell me you be there for me wouldnt you

11:11 PM

im listening to the song
dont shed tears for him anymore
its been sometime since i thought bout you
i saw someone that looked like you ystd
i almost ran out to call out to you
but no i chose not to
hmm im just glad you were a part of my life
(:

kayxz had cheer and everything
disastrous terrible bad horrible
left early cuz couldnt stand it
flunked FNN test
damn i want to pull out of cheer man
:( but no i must pull through

its okay if you cant come out
cuz i asked after you had planned
hmm we shall meet up soon then(:
im gonna miss you

tuition from chester tmr
slack maths and FNN
eediot bought a new laptop nvr tell me

marsions, hope your hand gets better kay
love you(:

what if there's no what if

10:25 PM

went amk to study
usual its friggin cold there
sat there waiting for boy for awhile
cuz he fell back asleep
waffle and zapple till he came

went town meet LC michng and rini
hmm shopped for awhile
then brought him to eat
forgot he hasnt eaten :/

then went taka
let marsions see him for 10 sec
awhile after then went to take bus home
hmm thats about all for today

im exhausted


i felt your heartbeat
when you pulled me close
im gonna miss you till the 14th

8:41 PM

i lurve this peeture(:
roy came back urber late ystd
from the ahbeng turned formal wear party
i think i caught a cold

was about to slp after hanging up with jon
but peiling called so entertained her
i miss you like foobagazillion alot, pls be good okay
we will wait for lex to be back
then the clique can all go tgt as one again:)

going out soon to amk cafe
yay waffle zapple meal
meeting my skaterboy first to study
then off to town to meet rini, michng
maybe LC and her wannabe boyfr

geez the geog channel damn kewl

got your parcel finally:D
love you lex:DDD

i realized my guy friends always call me by my real name
and my girlfrs always call me by my nick name

11:24 AM

school and studied with jo
more like i slept she studied
i had the time and freedom
but no companion today

went to swing again
got myself a vanilla cone
came home
stone all the way till now

rini asked me to guess
and yeah erm talked alil

someone stole my phrase
but yeah nvm anw

peiling's consistent sayings
dont believe guy's words
full of excuses and lies
depends i feel

study skate swing drink

dont let me find out you lied

lex says he aint coming back
lex, not cuz im not smiling
i wanna smile naturally not forcefully
my dear friend, the clique misses you

marsions: today im feeling very hollow
but im climbing up, i'll show you really

i wished nothing started

11:16 PM
finish typing